MacWimpy

The funk of the junk

If home cooked beef burgers are Iron Maiden, those salt infested abominations available in the sickly, neon kingdoms are Bryan Adams. Popular and safe to show your mother but quite unremarkable in both taste and looks (still we love Bri eh?) Generic patties, all marching to the same beat on a giant conveyor belt into the jelly stomachs of unfussy masses.
When you put away the wallet/purse and cook your own beef burgers, you will see, and more importantly TASTE the difference. Sure a visit to MacFrankenstein is easier and it keeps the kids happy (which is depressing in itself) but easy rarely makes way for quality.
Home is where heart (and belly) is. Everyone remembers fondly, the home cooked burger that mum always made. Nothing else was like it, unique in every way. Ah the memories! (Something else the neon sh!thouses seldom throw up). You might not get a 'free' toy with a meal at home but mum doesn't need to fob you off with plastic bribes ~ her burgers is plenty.
See me up there in the photo with my convenient, greasy scrumpings? What you can't see is the boredom in my eyes, and a soul so utterly bored with fastfood. I love food but there's nothing to love about a branded zombie burger. Uniformed. Grub shouldn't look, smell and taste the same, and it shouldn't be manhandled by a skinny teenager on job placement before handing over your coin.

Crimbo Socks Clean Off

Psycho Scratchins x12

Quick recap over the Christmas snacks over 2013 (most were HOT)


spices, pickles, peanuts



Breakfast laverbread & egg

Egg, Chips & Beans

26 years in the making

One important thing to remember when it comes to food is that tasty food is very nearly always the most simple to make. Aye you can follow some dour celebrity chefs four hour guide on making some poncey dish like Camel Fritters in Pheasant Eyeball sauce but if you ever need something truly delicious and homely, keep it simple Charlie. (Whoever Charlie is). Google 'comfort food' and you won't find anything fancy. And it doesn't get any easier than the British classic ~ egg, chips & beans. This is food of champions, nosh of the gods! And if Bacon is the God of Scran (food), then egg, chips and beans are its messianic lieutenants.
Take a gander at the photo above. I cooked that last week. And every mouthful gave me waves of Orgasmatron (to keep it metal). Little wonder I got positive comments when I posted the pic on Twitter. Some sweet folk thought I had gone to a restaurant! Nope, I am Fry King Supreme, the chipper lord. 26 years of frying your own eggs will do that to a person. Boy it tasted good! I'd bet a kidney that even the most hardened lettuce head could not deny its greasy charms.

Comfort Food

Pass the Parsley

Apologies for the bad photograph but that there is the ultimate comfort food: fish, mashed potatoes and parsley sauce (sadly I forgot the peas.) Most folk nowadays only remember parsley sauce from school dinners as a lad/ladess which is a crying shame because this sauce is seriously LUSH, and easy to make (there are hundreds of recipes online.) Its great with baked ham too, I remember my late mother making it often back in the day. I urge anyone reading this outside of Britain to make some parsley sauce, you will thank me I guarantee.
These days im fairly addicted to hot sauces but will always go back to the parsley when I feel the need (like I did today.) In fact, that has me thinking now: hot parsley sauce! Eureka! I haven't seen anyone make that. I just might suggest it to a hot sauce creator I know.

Curry Bombin' Rissoles

The RissoDaloo™

Heads up Moshers, I bring you lucky headbangers yet another exclusive culinary experience that im pretty certain you haven't tried anywhere else. I call it the RissoDaloo™ and needless to say, it kicks f**king ass! Colour me proud, I love it when a plan comes together (cheers Hannibal!) You want to know something? I don't want to blow an eight ton trumpet here but if it wasn't for folk like me, Mankind would never have discovered the Hot Dog or Cheeseburger. Hashtag FACT.
I love messing around with favourite snacks, and adding my own wicked little twist.
Sometimes it ends up as Epic Fail, like that time I tried a pie sandwich (too 'bready') but occasionally I nail it and we get bacon! Or spicy rissole in this instance. Consistency wise the RissoDaloo™ was slightly thick and heavy but I suspect throwing a handful of chips (fries) onto the plate would solve this. Couple of important points to consider however: adjust sauce to whatever heat level you are comfortable with (Da Bomb will be too hot for newbies) and stick to buying readymade Vindaloo sauce from supermarkets. Why? Because generally these types are not full whack Vindaloo strength, the last thing you want to be doing is adding hot sauce to a good homemade curry (a well made Vindaloo is hot enough.)
Now im not going to say my new creation is gonna change the face of planet, pizza style but if you ever fancy a spicy munch with a definite difference, then my RissoDaloo™ is well worth a shot.


Into the pot

The Toothless Vindaloo

A Carmarthen favourite

Ask a Carmarthen local which Indian restaurant/takeaway is best and there is a good chance they will tell you its Ginger. Read the reviews on websites like TripAdvisor, those will say the same thing. Fancy a good curry in west Wales? Ginger is the place to be. I would normally agree too, only recently they lost a chef to a rival restaurant and when I ordered a takeout from there last Friday, it wasn't up to their usual great standard. Maybe it was an off night? (Though eateries should never have those.) Or perhaps more care is taken with sit down meals? Who knows, but the meal I had was nothing special.
Being a big fan of hot and spicy grub, I naturally ordered a Lamb Vindaloo, special fried rice and chips (fries) but as soon as I had peeled off the cardboard cover of my rice, I knew I was going to be disappointed. The rice looked too yellow, like the cheap stuff you see in supermarkets and the chips were hard. Im a big fan of chips bought in Indian takeaways, they are usually chunky and golden, often better than those found at chippys (fish & chip shops) but these were a very poor show. And as for the Vindaloo itself? It seriously could have passed for a Pasanda or a Bhuna. It was mild to say the least and as for breaking out in sweat? Not a chance! Now I readily admit that due my habit of smashing hot sauces over every meal, my tolerance for spicy food has increased tenfold but come on! A Vindaloo should never be compared to a f**king Pasanda. Im willing to bet that a Korma fan would have coped with it.
I take no pleasure in writing this. In fact I am genuinely sorry to have to write such a negative article about a local place but its the truth my friends. Even the free poppadum was soft.

Feasts of Metal rating: 2/5

My Lamb Vindaloo

Plant Page Curry Combo

Yummy for the tummy

All Hail (capital H hail) moshers! I bring to thee another wonderful meal which won't cost the earth but will almost certainly make it MOVE! Not to mention light you up like a firecracker up an arsonists azz. All you need is a Mayflower beef curry (can be bought in Farmfoods £1.39p) a carton of their egg fried rice (75p) and a teaspoon of Blair's Ultra Death hot sauce (800,000 Scoville Heat Units of hot.) Takes around 8 minutes of nuking in the micro (but you can use the oven) and the taste? F**king DIVINE, proper bloody lusho!
Its like a moshpit on yer tongue but BEWARE ONLY CHILIHEADS NEED APPLY because at 800,000 SHU, the Death sauce turns this usually tame curry into a ravenous sabre toothed kitty cat on the hunt for your screaming, melting innards. Im not joking either, regular readers of this blog will know from previous posts that the Ultra Death sauce isn't messing around.
I have added Blairs to many curries over the last few months but Mayflowers has brought the best results. Its truly very tasty. Also, unlike other readymade curries who skimp on the meat, Mayflowers has a tidy bit of beef in there, so be careful not to overcook (over nuke?) in the micro because if you do? It gets tough.
If you enjoy Vindaloo, this is a decent alternative if you can't be fussed with heading out to a takeaway. In fact its better when you compare it to some of the shoddier takeaways lurking on our high streets. It was definitely a great way to finish off my bottle of Ultra Death (see empty bottle below.) So I had better sign off this post and get ordering more!

Bah

Bargain Cluck Box

Better than KFC

Tired of paying through the ass for that (in my opinion) corpsey looking breaded sh!te in Kentucky F**ked Chicken? Sick of getting COLESLAW with chips? (Bast@rd revolting!) Then why not head on over to Farmfoods and stick one of these "SFC Bargain Boxes. Only cost three of your British pounds and for that you get 6 good sized chicken legs/thighs coated in the obligatory breadcrumbs. 30 minutes in the oven and BOSH! Job done.
I am a huge fan of fried chicken but have a major dislike for KFC grub with their God awful soggy chips and foul looking chicken portions in sloppy coating, so seeing this box o' fried clucks in Farmfoods made me smile like a cleaver going through a chickens neck. (I suppose I could make it at home but Id probably f**k it up and waste good meat which would be a darned shame when people are starving.) Pleased to report that its good stuff too! Had some for lunch, and like a whore in a porno, I was left feeling very full and satisfied. Nice big chunks of white thigh, succulent legs and not too 'breadcrumby'. You could easily feed two youngsters and an adult with one box providing you made chips to go with it. Now, how much would it cost to feed three people in KFC? Exactly.

Snake's Bile Shots

Another insanely heavy f**king metal meal/drink; SNAKE'S BLOOD AND BILE. And you have to kill the snake yourself too! Oh yes, this one separates the carnivores from the herbivores, make no mistake. This restaurant in Hanoi has hedgehog and even cat on the menu (unsure if you have to kill those yourself) but it is the snake blood that pricked my attention. (Presumably because you can drink it with vodka.) Would I try this? Yes, without a second thought, even the 'tearing out a live animals heart' bit.
Without going into preach mode, I firmly believe that if you are willing to eat meat, then you ought to be willing to kill the animal.
I can picture me relaxing with Crowbar on the stereo whilst dining on lamb heart stuffed with onions with shots of snake bile and vodka. Be like a conquering Viking! Unholy f**k ya!

Vindaloo Soup

Yup you read it right! Vindaloo Soup, I went against the naysayers, ignored the doubters and just went ahead and made it. Grabbed a packet of Hidi Grand vindaloo paste (50p from Home Bargains), heated it on a hob without meat (hey it was almost vegan hehe) and tipped it into a bowl. Bingo!
So how did I come up with the idea? Am I so BADASS that im willing to eat 'raw' vindaloo curry? Truth is I was feeling a little under the weather but was tired of boring old chicken soup, so decided a bit more horsepower was needed (emphasis on 'power' not 'horse'.) And do you know what? It wasn't half bad either! In fact if I had used a better curry paste and not some cheap stuff from Home Bargains this would have been fairly f**king awesome! Cleared my sinus headache lovely.
Another bonus was it restored my appetite. Weird huh? Curry seems to have this effect on me, I might be suffering from the dodgiest of stomach pains (very rare due to Ox-like constitution) but one whiff of a strong curry and im healed like Jesus on a leper.


Just add bread

Hail the Humble Snail!

I will eat almost anything. You know by this by now huh? Snake hearts, kangaroo testicles, blood soup, im willing to push my taste buds and stomach to the limit in the search for weird culinary experiences. Man wouldn't have discovered anything if it wasn't for daredevils and crazies like yours truly, and if I can get YOU to discover just one tasty treat to spice up your dinner table, then i'll consider it job done.
In these videos I get to much on snails (Escargot if youre feeling posh) again and if you want to try them (and you really should) then head on down to Lidl where you will find a pack of 12 for just £1.99p in their French food selection.






Now like I said in an earlier post, snail doesn't really have a taste of its own. (Although I dare say it would if I went out and ate one of the slimy buggers raw in the garden.) It most definately doesn't taste like chicken and in all honesty after the strong garlic butter has gone, the meat is rather bland. Most people (those who would never summon up the courage to try one) would think of snails as pure ICK but they are wrong. Its got such a plain tatse that without the garlic you wouldn't even register it, nevermind go EWWWW! I can understand snails don't look very appetising but in my opinion they are no worse looking than the rubbish served up in fast food joints. (Note to self: must not mention 'chicken' nuggets.)
You can cook snails with a dash of cognac too which helps take away the clout from garlic but its a little early in the day to hit the cognac. (Once I pop I can't stop.) Do yourselves a favour and go get a plate of escargot in garlic butter sauce today. Taste not just snails but the freedom of an adventurous palate.

Keeping It Simple with Pie

Just add brown sauce

You cant get simpler than Pie and Chips. No chippy in Britain would be without it, and wives have cooked this classic meal for husbands since we first lifted a club. (Of course Woolly Mammoth went into them back then).
I always have a Minced Beef and Onion Pie but theres a fair choice on offer including Steak and Kidney, Chicken, Steak and Ale, even Curry if you fancy it.
Pies are a speciality in my hometowns Fish & Chip shops, and were the perfect food to keep me going that extra mile on a good binge. Its also the only food (apart from fish) that I will put vinegar on, as usually I cant stand vinegar.
Pies are also great in a sandwich (see below), although admittedly im the only one I know who has them this way.


Pie Sarnie

Music to eat to ~ The Almighty, Motorhead, Fear Factory.