Duck! Its Chips!

Daffys always a favourite with chips

Todays luncheon moshers! Crispy duck (£3.99 from German supermarket Lidl) and chips (our American cousins call them fries). And it was to f**king die for! The skin and flesh of a duck is something else, and if one of the perks on a sunday morning is lurking around your wife/partner, trying to steal bits of chicken skin or pork crackling, then wait until you get a load of duck! Obviously this blog post is aimed at duck virgins (and boy does THAT sound weird!) because readers who have already tasted this delicious bird will know exactly what I mean.
Allow me to spell it out again, in case that chicken got your earhole: DUCK IS F**KING TASTY AS ALL HOLY F**K! Get that? Feed them in the park all you want but unless you've tried duck, either as a roast dinner or accompanied by chips and egg, I can safely say that you have never lived. Well you did but all bland like *smiles*

Slobber and drool over these pics and vids. I bought two because....why not? Orgasm on a plate.

Egg, Chips & Beans

26 years in the making

One important thing to remember when it comes to food is that tasty food is very nearly always the most simple to make. Aye you can follow some dour celebrity chefs four hour guide on making some poncey dish like Camel Fritters in Pheasant Eyeball sauce but if you ever need something truly delicious and homely, keep it simple Charlie. (Whoever Charlie is). Google 'comfort food' and you won't find anything fancy. And it doesn't get any easier than the British classic ~ egg, chips & beans. This is food of champions, nosh of the gods! And if Bacon is the God of Scran (food), then egg, chips and beans are its messianic lieutenants.
Take a gander at the photo above. I cooked that last week. And every mouthful gave me waves of Orgasmatron (to keep it metal). Little wonder I got positive comments when I posted the pic on Twitter. Some sweet folk thought I had gone to a restaurant! Nope, I am Fry King Supreme, the chipper lord. 26 years of frying your own eggs will do that to a person. Boy it tasted good! I'd bet a kidney that even the most hardened lettuce head could not deny its greasy charms.

The Beans Are Coming

You will be needing Balls

Quite fancy being a foody agony aunt today so here goes:

"I like to read British mysteries. Strangely, the food most often mentioned in this genre is "beans on toast", evidently an everyday item used for breakfast lunch or dinner (at least according to the authors). Being a lover of (Boston type) baked beans, I tried some on wheat toast. Didn't seem to be different enough to make it worthwhile. Am I missing something? Did I use the right kind of beans or bread? Could some Brits fill in the blanks here?"

Sure can my Colonial chum! What you will be needing:

1. Good quality bread is a MUST, woe betide if you opt for cheap own brand supermarket scut.
2. Ditto baked beans. You really DO NOT want to be choosing the 21p "value" beans. Nothing "snobby" about it, the cheap baked beans have a high salt content. Mind you Heinz could be accused of being too salty as well, so I use Branston.

While the baked beans are simmering on the hob (I suppose you could nuke them in the microwave but im old fashioned) toast a slice of bread. Some like it almost burnt but me? I prefer a light toasting so that the toast is the colour of a matchstick. Make sure you butter the toast while its hot so that all that buttery goodness melts into the bread. This is important! As soon as the beans are hot (hot not warm) pour them over the toast. Serve and enjoy!
I know a lot of folks like to eat this snack with their hands but using a knife and fork is usually the wisest method because it prevents the beans and tomato sauce (not ketchup) spilling all over your lap/carpet/cat. Only use your hands if you are stingy in slopping out the beans but don't be a beany miser, pour that sh!t on good!
If you happen to have some good Cheddar cheese lurking in the fridge (definitely not that processed rubbish) melt some of that and plonk it on top of the baked beans. Makes a great dish even tastier! Of course if you want extra flavour but don't like cheese, the braver readers among you could do what I do and put some HOT SAUCE over the beans. It really adds a pleasant nip, and my personal recommendation would be Psycho Juice Red Savina by the evil (but in a good way) Dr Burnorium. His Psycho Juice range are fantastic.

Real Beef (Burgers)

There Will Be Blood

This was a REAL beef burger (bought at a butchers) coming out from under my grill ten minutes ago. Served with melted cheese on top and in a fresh crusty roll, it tasted heavenly! The blood? Well you never see that coming from puny supermarket burgers which just goes to show how awful they must be. You are cooking meat from a (formerly) living creature remember? There should be blood! Or else im wondering just what kind of animal those supermarkets are putting in their 'beef'.
The 'coup de grâce' of this fine snack was a good few drops of Satan's Rage hot pepper sauce which really did add the kind of sting I look for in a burger. Carnivorous Corpse!



Before cooking

Britain's BIG Fry Up!

I need to go here. Or better still, I wish a local cafe would create something similar. Not saying it would be easy, far from it, the potatoes would make it harder for me because im not a fan of hash browns in a fry up, but I would certainly do a much better job than the guy in this video. Ive eaten large fried breakfasts in Ireland (not this big obviously but big) and always finished them with room for a bit more so I would be confident in getting my £15 back. Im starving now.

In Fry We Trust

Quick! Call the health police, I just fried bacon AND bread! Oh my f**king God, im such a hedonist. Frying food? Don't I know that grilling is better? Well NO its not. Grills are only good for cheese on toast.

Cardboard Burgers

Chicken Crumbs

Breadcrumbs without chicken

So I bought a bag of chicken nuggets to use the meat in a vindaloo. (Its my lazy assed way of making a curry when I want a quick one knocked up). All I do is cook the nuggets, strip the breadcrumbs from the 'chicken' (im still not convinced its chicken) and use it in a vindaloo.
But WHAT THE F**K? Look at how much breadcrumb coating there is without the meat!? No wonder the folk who usually shovel this stuff down their necks have waists like double decker buses. Jeepers! Naturally there will be more coating on these foods but when you actually see it like this its quite shocking. Im glad I used the meat only, and binned the rest.

Check the vid out.

A Crisp Sarnie

With added crunch

I used to munch on crisp sandwiches when I was a young mosher, and for some reason I started hankering after one last night. The result is in the photo above. Admittedly it looks a little plain thanks to the bright light I held it under for the picture, but rest assured it was fine.
But be warned! There are few rules to making these things. Granted these rules are not solid gold and you may ignore them, but don't come running to me if you end up with an unholy mess.

1. Medium bread is best.
2. Use butter not margarine and don't spread it too thick. And try to resist buttering both sides of bread.
3. Keep the cap on the ketchup, you'll only end up with an overload of clashing flavours. Trust me, ive tried it.
4. If using cheese as filler, GRATE IT!
5. Never crush the crisps so much that they resemble cigarette ash. Ruins it totally.

I used thin turkey slices in my sarnie with salt & vinegar crisps. A light spreading of butter, a few slices of meat before adding the crisps. Close the sandwich, press it down lightly so the crisps break but dont get mangled and voila! Serve and enjoy!

Steve's Cheeze Roadkill

Great with Guiness

First off, kindly ignore those poor excuses for bacon rashers. I was trying out a new butchers and he f**ked up and served me streaky instead of back cushion of swine, which is what I usually prefer. This particular meat vendor has since been sentenced to week's sobriety whilst being only able to listen to Katy Perry. He's lucky my bullwhip was in the wash.
Anyway, its easy enough to see what my recent snack has been; bacon with mature cheddar cheese slowly melted on top like a greasy mistress eager for some mouth action. I call this a cheeze roadkill™. The good old fried egg is usually this headbangers first choice in a swine sarnie but I had a lot of cheese left over from a salad (a salad?? Concerned editor) so decided on a change of sandwich.
All you need to do is get some back bacon (its also called a middle cut), grill until crispy then throw some graated cheese over it and melt slowly. Tomato ketchup isn't the best sauce to go with this, so use good old HP brown sauce. You can toast the bread if you prefer but personally I find toasted bread takes away the flavour of the bacon, but hey, each to his own and all of that. Guiness is a grand accompaniment to a plate of cheeze roadkill.

Music to chow down to ~ Motorhead, Circus Of Power, Chrome Division, Black Label Society.

N.B. Cheeze Roadkill™ is registered trademark owned by the author of this here blog. Any attempt to use it without acknowledging the author will result in you being hunted by a shadowy organisation who use boiling fat and kebabs on word magpies.

Bacon With A Difference

Food To Crash Your Heart Too

That plate of fried goodiness above won't do your arteries any favours but its the perfect remedy after a night on the sauce (the alcoholic kind, not HP). Bacon Grill, sausage, egg, tomato and fried bread. "But what is this Bacon Grill stuff all about?" I hear you ask. Its simply canned pork, which when fried tastes a bit like bacon. Think Spam and you'd be pretty close.
Its not very popular outside the UK, and a lot of Britons don't much like it either, but I friggen' LOVE THE STUFF! Granted its probably one of the unhealthiest food stuffs on the market, considering all that mulched pork rind that goes into it, but since we've recently discovered that supermarkets are passing all kinds of weird fish off as cod, im not too worried.
If you can find a shop that stocks Bacon Grill I highly recommend that you try it fellow moshers. But one warning: its quite filling stuff so go easy on the amount of 'rashers' you chuck in the frying pan.