Duck! Its Chips!

Daffys always a favourite with chips

Todays luncheon moshers! Crispy duck (£3.99 from German supermarket Lidl) and chips (our American cousins call them fries). And it was to f**king die for! The skin and flesh of a duck is something else, and if one of the perks on a sunday morning is lurking around your wife/partner, trying to steal bits of chicken skin or pork crackling, then wait until you get a load of duck! Obviously this blog post is aimed at duck virgins (and boy does THAT sound weird!) because readers who have already tasted this delicious bird will know exactly what I mean.
Allow me to spell it out again, in case that chicken got your earhole: DUCK IS F**KING TASTY AS ALL HOLY F**K! Get that? Feed them in the park all you want but unless you've tried duck, either as a roast dinner or accompanied by chips and egg, I can safely say that you have never lived. Well you did but all bland like *smiles*

Slobber and drool over these pics and vids. I bought two because....why not? Orgasm on a plate.

Hot Spaghetti

As the nights draw in and cruel Mr Frost arrives with his icy talons, offing pensioners and making British Gas merry, the need for heat is now pretty much priority to us Brits. If you are a fan of hot sauce like my good self, you can get warm for free too (minus cost of sauce obviously), eliminating the need to walk around indoors in scarf and five jumpers. Win!! It works too! Regular readers of these blogs will know the kid of crazy heat these sauces throw out. Believe me, its quite comical reading how friends on Facebook are freezing their azzes off while I am sitting in a tee shirt, sweating buckets.

Egg, Chips & Beans

26 years in the making

One important thing to remember when it comes to food is that tasty food is very nearly always the most simple to make. Aye you can follow some dour celebrity chefs four hour guide on making some poncey dish like Camel Fritters in Pheasant Eyeball sauce but if you ever need something truly delicious and homely, keep it simple Charlie. (Whoever Charlie is). Google 'comfort food' and you won't find anything fancy. And it doesn't get any easier than the British classic ~ egg, chips & beans. This is food of champions, nosh of the gods! And if Bacon is the God of Scran (food), then egg, chips and beans are its messianic lieutenants.
Take a gander at the photo above. I cooked that last week. And every mouthful gave me waves of Orgasmatron (to keep it metal). Little wonder I got positive comments when I posted the pic on Twitter. Some sweet folk thought I had gone to a restaurant! Nope, I am Fry King Supreme, the chipper lord. 26 years of frying your own eggs will do that to a person. Boy it tasted good! I'd bet a kidney that even the most hardened lettuce head could not deny its greasy charms.

Early Birdy Omelette

The Beans Are Coming

You will be needing Balls

Quite fancy being a foody agony aunt today so here goes:

"I like to read British mysteries. Strangely, the food most often mentioned in this genre is "beans on toast", evidently an everyday item used for breakfast lunch or dinner (at least according to the authors). Being a lover of (Boston type) baked beans, I tried some on wheat toast. Didn't seem to be different enough to make it worthwhile. Am I missing something? Did I use the right kind of beans or bread? Could some Brits fill in the blanks here?"

Sure can my Colonial chum! What you will be needing:

1. Good quality bread is a MUST, woe betide if you opt for cheap own brand supermarket scut.
2. Ditto baked beans. You really DO NOT want to be choosing the 21p "value" beans. Nothing "snobby" about it, the cheap baked beans have a high salt content. Mind you Heinz could be accused of being too salty as well, so I use Branston.

While the baked beans are simmering on the hob (I suppose you could nuke them in the microwave but im old fashioned) toast a slice of bread. Some like it almost burnt but me? I prefer a light toasting so that the toast is the colour of a matchstick. Make sure you butter the toast while its hot so that all that buttery goodness melts into the bread. This is important! As soon as the beans are hot (hot not warm) pour them over the toast. Serve and enjoy!
I know a lot of folks like to eat this snack with their hands but using a knife and fork is usually the wisest method because it prevents the beans and tomato sauce (not ketchup) spilling all over your lap/carpet/cat. Only use your hands if you are stingy in slopping out the beans but don't be a beany miser, pour that sh!t on good!
If you happen to have some good Cheddar cheese lurking in the fridge (definitely not that processed rubbish) melt some of that and plonk it on top of the baked beans. Makes a great dish even tastier! Of course if you want extra flavour but don't like cheese, the braver readers among you could do what I do and put some HOT SAUCE over the beans. It really adds a pleasant nip, and my personal recommendation would be Psycho Juice Red Savina by the evil (but in a good way) Dr Burnorium. His Psycho Juice range are fantastic.

Stovies

Got this recipe from a Scottish friend (thanks Glynis!) and im totally making it because it sounds like something im going to love.
How to make stovies - fry some link sausages. Peel some potatoes and onions. In a deep pan place a layer of sliced potatoes, then a layer of sliced onions, then a layer of the cut up cooked sausage. Keep going till everything is used. Generously salt and pepper, then add enough water to cover the bottom of the pot. Bring to a simmer and cover. Cook for 20 minutes, or until the tatties are mush, then mash with a masher.....totally delicious, but do taste better with square/Lorne sausage.
Add more pepper as you mash. Best eaten with French bread and butter.

Hail the Humble Snail!

I will eat almost anything. You know by this by now huh? Snake hearts, kangaroo testicles, blood soup, im willing to push my taste buds and stomach to the limit in the search for weird culinary experiences. Man wouldn't have discovered anything if it wasn't for daredevils and crazies like yours truly, and if I can get YOU to discover just one tasty treat to spice up your dinner table, then i'll consider it job done.
In these videos I get to much on snails (Escargot if youre feeling posh) again and if you want to try them (and you really should) then head on down to Lidl where you will find a pack of 12 for just £1.99p in their French food selection.






Now like I said in an earlier post, snail doesn't really have a taste of its own. (Although I dare say it would if I went out and ate one of the slimy buggers raw in the garden.) It most definately doesn't taste like chicken and in all honesty after the strong garlic butter has gone, the meat is rather bland. Most people (those who would never summon up the courage to try one) would think of snails as pure ICK but they are wrong. Its got such a plain tatse that without the garlic you wouldn't even register it, nevermind go EWWWW! I can understand snails don't look very appetising but in my opinion they are no worse looking than the rubbish served up in fast food joints. (Note to self: must not mention 'chicken' nuggets.)
You can cook snails with a dash of cognac too which helps take away the clout from garlic but its a little early in the day to hit the cognac. (Once I pop I can't stop.) Do yourselves a favour and go get a plate of escargot in garlic butter sauce today. Taste not just snails but the freedom of an adventurous palate.

Spam Fritters

Looks greasy, tastes great!

I like Spam. I know it gets knocked around as 'World War II food' because of its popularity due to rationing in the 1940's but I care not. I like the stuff. And its versatile too because it will go with almost anything. Salads, chips, rice, eggs, you name it. I can't understand folk not liking Spam, afterall its only chopped pork shoulder meat & ham. Just add batter for fritters. Whats not to like?
as you can see, I cooked a few baked spuds to go with them and im happy to report it was a success. Huzzah! By the way those dollops of what look like butter on the potatoes, are not butter at all but Cheese spread. Added artery buster granted but its not like I cook this every day. Moderation.


Wouldn't it just!

A Crisp Sarnie

With added crunch

I used to munch on crisp sandwiches when I was a young mosher, and for some reason I started hankering after one last night. The result is in the photo above. Admittedly it looks a little plain thanks to the bright light I held it under for the picture, but rest assured it was fine.
But be warned! There are few rules to making these things. Granted these rules are not solid gold and you may ignore them, but don't come running to me if you end up with an unholy mess.

1. Medium bread is best.
2. Use butter not margarine and don't spread it too thick. And try to resist buttering both sides of bread.
3. Keep the cap on the ketchup, you'll only end up with an overload of clashing flavours. Trust me, ive tried it.
4. If using cheese as filler, GRATE IT!
5. Never crush the crisps so much that they resemble cigarette ash. Ruins it totally.

I used thin turkey slices in my sarnie with salt & vinegar crisps. A light spreading of butter, a few slices of meat before adding the crisps. Close the sandwich, press it down lightly so the crisps break but dont get mangled and voila! Serve and enjoy!