Colon Cleaning for Moshers

There. A work of Art

What is this you feast your eyes upon?! A cheesy, battered sandwich of doom! (Nothing was fried though and I don't use butter so it wasn't ALL bad.) Sometimes you gotta throw caution (and yer waistline) to the wind and eat dangerously. What good is a life spent munching on lettuce and muesli? And you can't put the awesome Professor Phardtpounder's Colon Cleaner on muesli. (Well you could but I suspect it wouldn't taste very nice). Ever since I first bought a bottle of Colon Cleaner (from Dr Burnorium's Hot Sauce Emporium) I have been smashing it on everything from bacon sarnies to chicken wings, so darned tasty! A Caribbean style, mustard-based sauce with Scotch Bonnet peppers but don't worry! Its nowhere near in the same league, heat wise, as say Blair's Mega Death so even newbies would handle his bad boy sauce. In fact if you are a fan of regular old mustard, you will enjoy this.
So what went into this epic sarnie of doom? Crispy chicken portion, onion rings (breadcrumbs), tomato, all topped off with delicious melted, stringed cheddar cheese and slapped between two slices of unbuttered toast. All grilled and served with hefty dollops of Prof Phardtpounder's Colon Cleaner. Spiffing chaps and chapesses, absolutely bloody SPIFFING! I think I deserve a massive pat on the back and tons of applause for creating such a marvellous work of Art.

Bargain Cluck Box

Better than KFC

Tired of paying through the ass for that (in my opinion) corpsey looking breaded sh!te in Kentucky F**ked Chicken? Sick of getting COLESLAW with chips? (Bast@rd revolting!) Then why not head on over to Farmfoods and stick one of these "SFC Bargain Boxes. Only cost three of your British pounds and for that you get 6 good sized chicken legs/thighs coated in the obligatory breadcrumbs. 30 minutes in the oven and BOSH! Job done.
I am a huge fan of fried chicken but have a major dislike for KFC grub with their God awful soggy chips and foul looking chicken portions in sloppy coating, so seeing this box o' fried clucks in Farmfoods made me smile like a cleaver going through a chickens neck. (I suppose I could make it at home but Id probably f**k it up and waste good meat which would be a darned shame when people are starving.) Pleased to report that its good stuff too! Had some for lunch, and like a whore in a porno, I was left feeling very full and satisfied. Nice big chunks of white thigh, succulent legs and not too 'breadcrumby'. You could easily feed two youngsters and an adult with one box providing you made chips to go with it. Now, how much would it cost to feed three people in KFC? Exactly.

The Hottest F**kin' Sauce

Would look good on a Tesco shelf

This arrived yesterday moshers ~ The Hottest F**kin' Sauce. Id been eager to try it ever since seeing it and now that I have? Well despite the warnings and waffle printed on the bottles label, and the fact that it is a respectable 600,000 Scoville Heat Units, I didn't find it that hot. And nope, that's not some bullsh!t to try and sound macho, im simply telling it like it is (for me anyway.) If we were scoring for heat, I would give The Hottest F**kin' Sauce a 5/10. For taste it would get 9/10 because its much tastier than say Blair's Mega Death Sauce. But hey, its all about opinions right?
You can check out my video (below) to see a more 'hands on' report. But I will be getting more of this because like I say, it tastes good. Plus I wont be giving up on the heat just yet. A Motorhead sized spoonful of it on a burger, or in a curry should finally give me a deciding kick one way or other.

The two main ingredients of The Hottest F**kin' Sauce are Habanero peppers and Scotch Bonnets.

Icarus Wings

Not hot but tasty!

Discovered some hot sauces in the supermarkets a few days ago and seeing as ive become a big fan of them, it would have been rude for me not to have picked them up. The sauce in the pic cost just £2 from Tesco, a Heinz ~ Yellow Habanero. "A fiery yellow chilli sauce with sweetness to balance its searing heat." The guff on their website claims. "Ideal for splashing over pizza, pasta, stir fries, chicken, burgers and much more."
Now its a tidy sauce, lush as we say here in Wales but its certainly not "searing heat." Not even close! Hell if Heinz call this "searing heat", Id love to see them try Blair's Death range sauces. It IS tasty though, has a gentle sweetness to it with just a tiny nip to let you know that its trying to be a hot sauce and I will get more. They have two others as well: Chipotle & Garlic (a smokey, medium spiced sauce with a tasty note of garlic) and Green Jalapeño (a hot sauce with a very tangy, almost pickled taste) so will check those out too.

Farmfoods: Spicy Wings

Farmfoods has become a great place to stock up on frozen junk food at wallet friendly prices. Feasts Of Metal cannot ignore this and since one has recently opened in Carmarthen (near MacDonalds), ive decided to share some tasty goodies. If you've never been there, seriously do so. They charge signicantly lower prices than what Tesco or Morrosons do. £1 for 4 turkey burgers, £2 chicken nuggets, £1 battered/crumbed onion rings. Ideal for parties or barbecues.

Spicy chicken wings


Chicken (buffalo) wings are not as popular here as they are in the United States for some reason (wise up people!) but they are a perfect snack to have on picnics or during movies/rugby matches/gaming marathons. (Ive even taken them into the cinema!) You can create different dips and sauces too so that things don't get samey.
To be honest I wan't expecting great things from these wings from Farmfoods but I was happy to have been proved otherwise. Really tasty and quite meaty too considering they are only chicken wings. (I know in the video below I say theres not much meat on them but that was filmed before id tried the bigger pieces.) In fact some bits seemed like bits of thigh. Only recommended for the spicy lovers out there, this is not a mild tasting sauce. £1.50 for a bag of 9 pieces is very easy on the pocket meaning you can stock up on a few extra bottles of the hard stuff.

The Result:



The chicken below wasn't from the same pack but a blog can never have enough pix of fried chicken and scotch. That was supper a few months ago.

Edgar Chicken

Edgar

Sunday is the best day to get yourself a pet chicken. That was my Edgar yesterday, well behaved, quiet and rather tasty.

Chicken Crumbs

Breadcrumbs without chicken

So I bought a bag of chicken nuggets to use the meat in a vindaloo. (Its my lazy assed way of making a curry when I want a quick one knocked up). All I do is cook the nuggets, strip the breadcrumbs from the 'chicken' (im still not convinced its chicken) and use it in a vindaloo.
But WHAT THE F**K? Look at how much breadcrumb coating there is without the meat!? No wonder the folk who usually shovel this stuff down their necks have waists like double decker buses. Jeepers! Naturally there will be more coating on these foods but when you actually see it like this its quite shocking. Im glad I used the meat only, and binned the rest.

Check the vid out.

Phall Xmas Curry

Phall curry: all my own work!

I cooked a Phall curry (a Britsh Asian Indian dish) over the holidays because Id never tried one before and as a big lover of the vindaloo I was certain I would enjoy this. And I was moshing right too! (You can see me tasting it for the first time in the vid below).
I used chicken for this curry but you can use lamb or prawns, or even sausage like I have done before with a vindaloo. It only takes 30 minutes to whip up and believe me, if you like curry on the hotter end of the scale, it really is worth making.
Ah yes the heat! Just how hot is it? Well the Phall curry got its name from the word 'phallus' which is meant to indicate how much machismo a man needs to stomach it and it is not on most Indian restraunts menus, it has to be specifically asked for by the customer. Also a lot of Curry Houses will give certificates to those who actually finish the curry but for all this hoo ha, in my opinion the Phall isn't as hot as the Vindaloo. Or at least the one I cooked wasn't, and I bunged a lot of red chilis and onion in to add strength.
Im not saying it was mild, it was hot for sure but it didn't get me reaching for the water. (In fact I didn't feel the need for any drink to cool my mouth during this meal). It didn't have the fierce heat a Vindaloo can have, I experienced a mellow burn only. The Phall is definately tasty however and this headbanger highly recommends it. Just remember that when I say it had a mild heat, its not like a Korma or anything and only fans of hot curries will enjoy this.

Bands to eat to ~ Amon Amarth, Lamb Of God

Thanksgiving Vindaloo

Leftovers: curry them!

Since discovering Vindaloo I must have eaten a ton of it. I absolutely love it, even to the extent that its made me want to cook it myself at home (which I do if you've been a regular reader of this site). Its been a food revelation and I hereby claim to be the creator of the Sausage Vindaloo™ which you can find on here.
But this isn't about sausages, its about turkey. Last thursday was Thanksgiving Day in America, and because im a self confessed glutton I celebrate it too. Why not? Everyone should be thankful for the good things in life afterall. Now turkey is not a favourite of mine but seeing as we keep the goose for Christmas, the gobbler it had to be. And I thank my better half for a very lovely Thanksgiving meal, it was delicious even for a turkey.
And of course the only decent thing to do with the leftovers of such a bland bird is curry the thing. Both a vindaloo and the less hot korma were whipped up and served as ever with chips.

Music to eat to ~ Motorhead, Slipknot, King Diamond

Parson's Nose

Pygostyle: a tasty morsel

It was Thanksgiving Day yesterday (I celebrate eventhough im Welsh), and once again when the turkey was ready I headed straight for the part I enjoy the most: the Parson's Nose.
"WTF is that?" I hear the keyboards ask in unison like a curious congregation of plastic. Really wanna know? Very well, its the birds ass. No kidding! The Parson's Nose is that juicy protuberance that you can see on the Turkey/chicken's backside, and the reason its so succulent is it contains the uropygial gland that produces the birds preen oil. And its bloody delicious! (Even more than the skin/giblets).
Don't let the description put you off, plop it in your gob and you will see that even things which look and sound unappetising are actually very very good. He that dareth, winneth! Enjoy!

Noodle Poodles

Own brand v big brand

Okay as you can see from the photo, no actual poodles have been hurt or grilled in the making of this blog article. This was an experiment I did to see if the supermarkets own brand of 'pot noodle' could measure up to the Pot Noodle made by Golden Wonder.
Now for anyone reading this in the year 2100 (when hopefully we will have finally learnt to eat real, nutritional food), a pot noodle is a dehydrated concotion of noodles, dried vegetables, soya and a flavouring powder. Simply add boiling water to it and voila! Tuck in! Students and bachelors love them, ditto couch potatoes.
These things are hardly gourmet cooking, and you could be forgiven for thinking there wasn't much difference between the branded type and the supermarkets own. And you would be right! I bought one of each (see above photo) and did my own Pepsi challenge. But more 'noodly'.
The real Pot Noodle has a thicker consitency and comes with a sachet of soy sauce but apart from that, the supermarket's own brand (in this case Tesco) held up well against its more expensive brother. Especially when I added some of my own soy. In fact I leant more to the own brand because Golden Wonder's noodles taste saltier. (Something that branded 'cup~a~soups' suffer from also).
To put it bluntly as I always like to do, dehydrated grub is always going to taste the same, no matter what you pay so common sense should lead the wise shopper to the cheap seats in this instance. The price difference is big too so only a brand snob (see, 'idiot') would choose the more expensive one. Pot Noodle cost around £1.49p while own branded versions are only 14p! (Again Tesco prices). If my math is correct, that is a £1.35p difference. In other words, £1.35p of fool because you will struggle to find any real difference in terms of flavour.
And looking at what is written on the sachet of soy sauce belonging to the 'original' Pot Noodle (see below), Golden Wonder seem to be admitting their product needs flavour!
But if you happen to enjoy a few tipples, these snacks are great. No danger of setting the chip pan or grill on fire while rustling up some drunken munchies, simply boil a kettle and grab a Scotch Egg. (Check out the Poet's Mudball elsewhere on this blog).


Is a Pot Noodle that bad?

Obviously there is a limit of flavours with own brands. And when I say 'limit' I mean just one: Chicken & Mushroom. (Or this is the only flavour I have come across). While Golden Wonder's Potted Noodles feature a whole host of tasty and erm...'interesting' flavours. But a lot of them are a travesty to the taste buds (stand up 'Southern Fried Chicken') so the abundance of choice isn't so cool when all is said and noodled.
A few flavours are missing too. Where for the love of Glennfidich is the Fish & Chip or Lamb Vindaloo flavour? Or what about Bacon & Egg and Jagerbomb flavours? Hell these cant be any worse than some of them. *Points again at the truly horrid 'Southern Fried Chicken'* which tastes as much as fried chicken as cheese on toast tastes like fried chicken.
But as I say, these are a handy pished up snack and not totally offensive to the palete. Chicken & Mushroom is my preferred choice until Golden Wonder reads this article and decide that my Vindaloo and Fry Up flavours are a great idea and start making them.

Music to eat to ~ just put the radio on.

**** Anorak Metal Moment ****

Pot Noodle flavours:
Original curry
Chicken & Mushroom
Beef & Tomato
Sweet & Spicy
Sweet & Sour
Southern Fried Chicken
Bombay Bad Boy
Sticky Rib
Tikka Masala
Chinese Chow Mein
Sweet Coconut
Chicken Satay
Doner Kebab
Chili Beef
Christmas Dinner (2010 limited edition)

and flavours which were sent to the food gallows:

Cheese & Tomato
Sausage & Tomato
Pizza
Bacon Sizzler
Barbecue
Turkey Stuffing (Christmas limited edition)
Hot Chicken Curry
Lamb & Mint
Mexican Fajita
Seedy Sanchez (basically same as Mexican fajita)

Fried Chicken ~ Ballad Of The Breadcrumb

One word: Awesome

May believe fried chicken was created in the Southern American states but truth is, this delicious food has been in the UK and Europe since the medieval period. In Italy, fried chicken was known as pollo fritto. It was Scottish immigrants who introduced our American cousins to this culinery delight, because unlike the english who boiled or roasted their chicken, the Scottish deep fried it in fat. Like I would have done. 'Tis the metal thing to do.
There is an episode of Spongebob Squarepants where the characters are in the prehistoric time and they discover fire and begin frying their food. They start frying everything because fried food TASTES F**KING GREAT!
I had a KFC like most children but it was at a picnic or barbecue that I remember really believing I had bit into Heaven's thigh when I had it. It was a simple meal of fried chicken and coleslaw and man I thought Id hit the mother lobe! It was the heroin for my taste buds and im not exaggerating here.
Fried chicken is the Second Coming.

Roast Chicken

I like my birds whole

Chicken, egg & chips is a grand meal. And after a heavy mosh session, whether listening to live bands or via the stereo, I love nothing more than kicking back with a few pints of chilled cider and a roasted chicken. And I do mean ALL of the bird. Granted im no fan of the white breast meat but I get the devil horn for all other parts of the sizzling fowl; wings, skin, legs, and all that beautiful dark meat. Hell I even eat the Parson's Nose (bird ass) and the preening glands. Mosh !!