Phall Xmas Curry

Phall curry: all my own work!

I cooked a Phall curry (a Britsh Asian Indian dish) over the holidays because Id never tried one before and as a big lover of the vindaloo I was certain I would enjoy this. And I was moshing right too! (You can see me tasting it for the first time in the vid below).
I used chicken for this curry but you can use lamb or prawns, or even sausage like I have done before with a vindaloo. It only takes 30 minutes to whip up and believe me, if you like curry on the hotter end of the scale, it really is worth making.
Ah yes the heat! Just how hot is it? Well the Phall curry got its name from the word 'phallus' which is meant to indicate how much machismo a man needs to stomach it and it is not on most Indian restraunts menus, it has to be specifically asked for by the customer. Also a lot of Curry Houses will give certificates to those who actually finish the curry but for all this hoo ha, in my opinion the Phall isn't as hot as the Vindaloo. Or at least the one I cooked wasn't, and I bunged a lot of red chilis and onion in to add strength.
Im not saying it was mild, it was hot for sure but it didn't get me reaching for the water. (In fact I didn't feel the need for any drink to cool my mouth during this meal). It didn't have the fierce heat a Vindaloo can have, I experienced a mellow burn only. The Phall is definately tasty however and this headbanger highly recommends it. Just remember that when I say it had a mild heat, its not like a Korma or anything and only fans of hot curries will enjoy this.

Bands to eat to ~ Amon Amarth, Lamb Of God

Jolly Brekkers

Heaven also comes in boxes

Righto Moshers, its Christmas eve eve, and about time I shared with you the menu I have on offer over the festive holidays. I don't 'do' turkey, I personally think its the blandest, most flavourless meat in existence (apart from maybe limpets), so I always have a goose on my table after Santa has done his bit and left some loot. Also as there is not an abundance of meat on goosey goosey gander, it will be joined by a pheasant. Nothing like a bit of game to go with the festive spread, especially one that has been freshly plucked out from the sky with a well aimed shot. *SMILES*
But breakfast is just as important on Christmas morning, and you will need more than boring old Cornflakes to bring you back to life if you indulge anything like I do the night before. The remedy is in the photo above: laverbread. I wrote about this Welsh caviar in an earlier post not so long ago so you might remember it.
A Welsh fry up! Oh I can smell the delightful aromas as I type! I am healed even before ive applied the damage! Bacon, laverbread, cockles and eggs, accompanied by a mug of tea. Delishimo! No matter how hard you hit the sauce, this will get you rockin' and moshing once again. Hurry up Christmas morn!

Nadolig Llawen i chi gyd! Merry Christmas to you all!


Open sesame...I mean laverbread!

Turbo Cider

Recession crippling you? Is it affecting your booze intake? Well suffer no more as I have the perfect recipe for making your own grog. I know, im pretty special **wink**

Stuff you'll be needing ~

Plastic bottles. Or better get a 5 litre one.

4.5 litres of pure apple jooce (juice but spelt more 'metally') and remember, the better the jooce, the better the resulting grog will taste!

Pack of wine/cider yeast.

Dextrose. You can get two packs for £2 in Superdrug.

How to mix it up ~

Tip half the apple jooce into bottle.

Then add some of the dextrose with some more juice and shake well. Repeat this a few times with Motorhead on the stereo. Careful now! Don't add too much dextrose all at once but make sure it all gets in the bottle. Leave some jooce over.

Now then, bung the yeast into bottle, using what jooce you have left to wash it down in case any yeast sticks to bottle. Wait a few minutes before adding the last of the jooce as it will have foamed up from all the shaking and bunging in of ingredients see. Slap a stopper on the end of the bottle.

According to Turbo Cider experts the drink should become cloudy in a couple of days and remain so for a few weeks. Around the fourth week it should become clear, meaning your cider is ready - though you can keep it for another month or so.

Voila! Serve and enjoy!
It’s pretty fooking crude (think scrumpy more than Magners) but reserve judgement until at least the fourth pint. Its like that. And remember, its not about being classy, its about being blitzed.

Cure for Veggies!

No words need really to be said. Go on veggies lick the screen! Then cease thy silly abstinence from meat and get thee to a butchers. Once there, order a few pounds of bacon rashers then get on home (after having bought a dozen eggs also). Turn on an oven hot plate and put a frying pan on top, with a dollop of oil/lard in it. When sufficiently hot enough, fy the bacon first, then the egg. By now your nostrils will assaulted by such an intoxicating smell, the smell of sizzling swine, that resistance will be futile and you will begin to realise what a fool you have been.
Once fried to perfection, put the bacon/eggs, that magical combination, inbetween two slices of buttered bread. Add brown sauce if it pleases you. A mug of tea is the preferred beverage to accompany this. Now eat! And you are now cured.

Thanksgiving Vindaloo

Leftovers: curry them!

Since discovering Vindaloo I must have eaten a ton of it. I absolutely love it, even to the extent that its made me want to cook it myself at home (which I do if you've been a regular reader of this site). Its been a food revelation and I hereby claim to be the creator of the Sausage Vindaloo™ which you can find on here.
But this isn't about sausages, its about turkey. Last thursday was Thanksgiving Day in America, and because im a self confessed glutton I celebrate it too. Why not? Everyone should be thankful for the good things in life afterall. Now turkey is not a favourite of mine but seeing as we keep the goose for Christmas, the gobbler it had to be. And I thank my better half for a very lovely Thanksgiving meal, it was delicious even for a turkey.
And of course the only decent thing to do with the leftovers of such a bland bird is curry the thing. Both a vindaloo and the less hot korma were whipped up and served as ever with chips.

Music to eat to ~ Motorhead, Slipknot, King Diamond

Welsh Caviar

Truly Delicious (capital D)

One of the first things I do when I find myself in Swansea (which I did yesterday) is head to the market in order to buy that holiest of Welsh delicacies, Penclawdd laverbread. You simply cannot make a traditional Welsh breakfast without it: bacon fried with laverbread and cockles is a stunning meal. Every forkful sending you into orgasmic fits. And no, im not exaggerrating!
So what is this laverbread? In Welsh its called Bara Lafwr, and all it is is seaweed that is collected from the shore and boiled for a few hours before being shredded and pureed.
Its nicknmaed the Welsh caviar but to be honest its much better than caviar, which is quite bland next to it. Unbelievably some folk don't like laverbread, but these have either never tried it (boring) or have deficent tastebuds and in this case they really ought to get them remedied because life is undoubtedly the poorer without Bara Lafwr in it. Again no exaggerration. Of course I could say its good that some dislike it because that means theres more for those of us blessed with a working palate but people should like it, no ifs or buts. Its bloody delicious!
Laverbread can be pretty expensive in some places but it needn't be. Its easy to harvest and make it at home, especially if you are lucky enough to live on the coast. My hometown is Burry Port which faces Penclawdd and the Gower, so I always had an amply bounty of it along with cockles. Good for you too, its packed with iron and has more than enough minerals to get you going in the morning.

Music to eat to ~ Dafydd Iwan, Max Boyce


Todays breakfast: minus cockles but still fabulous!

The Contented Sole

Or the Contented belly

I thought I would add a new 'feature' on this site and mention some of the wonderful Fish & Chip shops we have here in Wales. And lets be honest, no matter how much fun cooking can be, there are times when you just want to relax and let someone else sweat over fryer for a change.
So first up is The Contented Sole which can be found on Priory street in Carmarthen. Very good chippy which also has a few tables to eat in if the weathers doing its usual cloudy, miserable routine. (Although seating has been cut again recently).
I can heartily recommend the rissoles and pies which are both superb but a big mention must go to the cod & chips. One word: delicious! Golden, crispy batter that reveals white, melt-in-your-mouth flakes of fresh fish, accompanied by chips as they should be made in chip shops. Some places turn out soggy, sorry looking potato chunks that swim in grease but The Contented Sole does not. Theirs are pretty perfect in fact and I challenge anyone to come away disappointed.

***** Metal Moshing Score 9/10 *****




Bask in its crispiness!

Parson's Nose

Pygostyle: a tasty morsel

It was Thanksgiving Day yesterday (I celebrate eventhough im Welsh), and once again when the turkey was ready I headed straight for the part I enjoy the most: the Parson's Nose.
"WTF is that?" I hear the keyboards ask in unison like a curious congregation of plastic. Really wanna know? Very well, its the birds ass. No kidding! The Parson's Nose is that juicy protuberance that you can see on the Turkey/chicken's backside, and the reason its so succulent is it contains the uropygial gland that produces the birds preen oil. And its bloody delicious! (Even more than the skin/giblets).
Don't let the description put you off, plop it in your gob and you will see that even things which look and sound unappetising are actually very very good. He that dareth, winneth! Enjoy!

Fish Pie and Chips

At the captain's table

I never imagined mixing fish and cheese would work. Ive thrown a lot of weird and wonderful foods together in experiments (one only has to read this blog for evidence of this) but I would never have dreamedup the fish pie had it been left up to me.
Frozen fish company Young's make a great one, called the Admiral's Pie which as it says on the box is Alaska Pollock fillets with mashed potato, butter sauce and cheddar cheese. Nuke it for 10 minutes in the microwave and your ready to tuck in! I always add chips because its not a particularly filling meal if served on its own. Some however might be put off by this as being too 'potatoey'. (Not a word? It should be!)

Music to eat to ~ Kyuss, Stone Sour, Green Day

Sop

Dunked toast

Right metal moshers this could hardly be called a meal but it is an unusual (and ancient) snack so I thought it worth a quicjk mention. Sop is a slice of buttered toast dunked in a cup of tea. It was very popular at the medieval table and back then both wine and soups would replace the tea.
The word Sop is even mentioned in the Bible:

"He then lying on Jesus' breast saith unto him, Lord, who is it? Jesus answered, He it is, to whom I shall give a SOP, when I have dipped it. And when he had dipped the SOP, he gave it to Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon." ~ if you want to check it out its John 13:21-26

Some people don't like the idea of eating wet toast, and having butter swilling around the tea's surface but its actually not bad. If like myself you are a bigger fan of savoury foods over sweet, then Sop is much better than simply dunking chocolate biscuits into a cuppa.

Bunny Burgers

Rabbit burger with pancetta

Rabbit isn't the obvious choice to turn into burgers buttry one and you will be kicking yourself for not having thought of it sooner. Rabbit Burgers are delicious, and much more healthy than beef. Fancy it? Take a peek at this recipe.

Three decent sized bunnies will do the trick.

First joint and bone the animal, then mince it.

Add suet 1/2 box

Bung in some garlic to suit your taste.

Then throw in one Oxo cube, herbs & salt/pepper (again to your own preference)

One diced onion

One egg

Bind and mix together and cook for approx. 15mins

People who never normally eat rabbit are now conformists to these tasty burgers.

Noodle Poodles

Own brand v big brand

Okay as you can see from the photo, no actual poodles have been hurt or grilled in the making of this blog article. This was an experiment I did to see if the supermarkets own brand of 'pot noodle' could measure up to the Pot Noodle made by Golden Wonder.
Now for anyone reading this in the year 2100 (when hopefully we will have finally learnt to eat real, nutritional food), a pot noodle is a dehydrated concotion of noodles, dried vegetables, soya and a flavouring powder. Simply add boiling water to it and voila! Tuck in! Students and bachelors love them, ditto couch potatoes.
These things are hardly gourmet cooking, and you could be forgiven for thinking there wasn't much difference between the branded type and the supermarkets own. And you would be right! I bought one of each (see above photo) and did my own Pepsi challenge. But more 'noodly'.
The real Pot Noodle has a thicker consitency and comes with a sachet of soy sauce but apart from that, the supermarket's own brand (in this case Tesco) held up well against its more expensive brother. Especially when I added some of my own soy. In fact I leant more to the own brand because Golden Wonder's noodles taste saltier. (Something that branded 'cup~a~soups' suffer from also).
To put it bluntly as I always like to do, dehydrated grub is always going to taste the same, no matter what you pay so common sense should lead the wise shopper to the cheap seats in this instance. The price difference is big too so only a brand snob (see, 'idiot') would choose the more expensive one. Pot Noodle cost around £1.49p while own branded versions are only 14p! (Again Tesco prices). If my math is correct, that is a £1.35p difference. In other words, £1.35p of fool because you will struggle to find any real difference in terms of flavour.
And looking at what is written on the sachet of soy sauce belonging to the 'original' Pot Noodle (see below), Golden Wonder seem to be admitting their product needs flavour!
But if you happen to enjoy a few tipples, these snacks are great. No danger of setting the chip pan or grill on fire while rustling up some drunken munchies, simply boil a kettle and grab a Scotch Egg. (Check out the Poet's Mudball elsewhere on this blog).


Is a Pot Noodle that bad?

Obviously there is a limit of flavours with own brands. And when I say 'limit' I mean just one: Chicken & Mushroom. (Or this is the only flavour I have come across). While Golden Wonder's Potted Noodles feature a whole host of tasty and erm...'interesting' flavours. But a lot of them are a travesty to the taste buds (stand up 'Southern Fried Chicken') so the abundance of choice isn't so cool when all is said and noodled.
A few flavours are missing too. Where for the love of Glennfidich is the Fish & Chip or Lamb Vindaloo flavour? Or what about Bacon & Egg and Jagerbomb flavours? Hell these cant be any worse than some of them. *Points again at the truly horrid 'Southern Fried Chicken'* which tastes as much as fried chicken as cheese on toast tastes like fried chicken.
But as I say, these are a handy pished up snack and not totally offensive to the palete. Chicken & Mushroom is my preferred choice until Golden Wonder reads this article and decide that my Vindaloo and Fry Up flavours are a great idea and start making them.

Music to eat to ~ just put the radio on.

**** Anorak Metal Moment ****

Pot Noodle flavours:
Original curry
Chicken & Mushroom
Beef & Tomato
Sweet & Spicy
Sweet & Sour
Southern Fried Chicken
Bombay Bad Boy
Sticky Rib
Tikka Masala
Chinese Chow Mein
Sweet Coconut
Chicken Satay
Doner Kebab
Chili Beef
Christmas Dinner (2010 limited edition)

and flavours which were sent to the food gallows:

Cheese & Tomato
Sausage & Tomato
Pizza
Bacon Sizzler
Barbecue
Turkey Stuffing (Christmas limited edition)
Hot Chicken Curry
Lamb & Mint
Mexican Fajita
Seedy Sanchez (basically same as Mexican fajita)

Croque Monsieur

You get these in France (or Lidl)

Every food fan knows that France is one of the leading countries when it comes to culinary delights. Such is their poetry in the kitchen they can even make a boring old grilled cheese sandwich sound interesting. What you see in the above pictures is a Croque Monsieur, or what we in the UK would call a ham and cheese toastie. The cheese usually used is either Gruyère or Emmental.
The cheese used compliments the ham well, but personally I would have bunged some onion in there too. But even without onion, this is not a shabby sandwich by any means. And toasties are a good comfort food to turn too if a spot of the 'glums' has perched its miserable ass on your shoulders.
Its decieving too because whereas it doesn't appear to be very filling, finish one and you'll be more than satisfied.
The only grumble I have is toward the middle of the bread. It got quite 'soggy' from the heat when I expected it to be crisp like the crust. But whether this was due to this particular brand I don't know as I never ordered a Croque Monsieur when I was in France last.

Music to eat to ~ Lita Ford, Ugly Kid Joe, Europe

No Sun In The Oven

Beefless lasagna like the hippies cook

To prove that I am not totally hostile toward the veggies flaking out amongst us (joke! Lighten up!) I cooked a vegetarain lasagna with chips/fries. Or to be more accurate, Linda MacCartney made the lasagna and I chucked on a few chips to go with it. I am not the biggest fan of minced beef since eating tins of the stuff years ago during a drinking binge and getting violently sick from it. (Ok it was probably the alcohol but its easier to blame the food).
I really enjoy this meal. Yes it looks pale like it needs a week in the Mediterranean but it is a really tasty meal. And it never gets heavy, never stuffs you to the gills so if you are the type that enjoys a stroll after dinner (or better still a good mosh) then you won't be hindered by a lead stomach.

Music to eat to ~ Skid Row, Cinderella, L.A. Guns, Faster Pussycat

Blood the Welsh Vampire

Anyone who knows me well will know I thirst for Blood. But fear not, there is no need to go running off in search of garlic, your pretty necks are quite safe! Im not a girly vampire, im a Carnivore and barely touch vegetables and fruit. And being a Carnivore I absolutely love anything bloody like raw steak or black pudding. I once drank a tray of pig's blood when I worked in a butchers shop. True story.
And now I have discovered Czernina and Dinuguan which ive not yet tried but will hunt down pretty bloody pronto (pun intended). "What are these?" I hear you ask from the laptops. Well they are Blood Soups, soups that use the red stuff as the main ingredient. Czernina is a Polish soup made of duck blood and clear poultry broth, whilst Dinuguan is a Philippines soup made from the blood of a pig.
Both sound delicious and I will track them down. Stay tuned!

Another Cheeze Roadkill

Perfection in a bun

I know ive written about my famous Cheeze Roadkills before but this one I made a few days ago was SO PERFECT that I just had to post a piccy of it here. Is your mouth watering? Is there a tingle running down your spine? There should be because this Roadkill was paradise in a bun! It was so tasty I wanted it to last forever. Boy was it GOOOOD!
So easy to make too as all you need is bacon, cheese (mature cheddar) and a bread roll.

Music to eat to ~ anything.Bacon is fine with anything!

To Cook Squirrel

Firstly this isn't my recipe, its from an article in todays Wales Onlne. Secondly these meats are healthy, tasty and metal as f**K!

To cook a squirrel, first go out and try to kill a very young one. This is the most important thing as old ones are too tough. When skinning the squirrel, make extra sure to remove all the hairs.

Ingredients:

2 young squirrels, skinned and cleaned

Salt to taste

¼ teaspoon freshly ground pepper

4 tablespoons butter

½ cup all-purpose flour

After carefully washing the squirrels, pat dry.

With a mallet, gently pound the meat until the bones are crushed and the flesh is tender. Season the meat with salt and pepper.

Melt the butter in a skillet (preferably cast-iron) over medium-low heat.

Dredge the meat in flour, and add to the melted butter.

Brown and turn.

Continue cooking, stirring occasionally, until the meat is golden brown and cooked through. (Pierce with a knife to check “doneness”. The juices should run clear when cooked).

The process should take 25 to 30 minutes

A Traditional Welsh Dish

Cawl Lafwr (Laver Soup)

Laver is an an edible seaweed harvested from the rocks around the Welsh coast, and can be used to make this tasty thick vegetable (yes I said vegetable) soup.

Stuff you'll need:

4 ozs butter
3 ozs of the Holy laverbread
2 medium onions chopped.
2 pints lamb stock
3 spuds (potatoes)chopped
Salt & black pepper
1 carrot peeled & chopped
½ level teaspn castor sugar
and some parsley for garnish.

How to mix it up:

Melt the butter in a pan and cook the veggies until lightly brown. Stir in the holy laver and stock, bring to the boil and simmer, covered for 20-30 minutes until the veggies are nice and tender. Allow to cool a little, then sieve or liquidise. Return to a clean saucepan, add the seasoning and sugar and reheat thoroughly. Pour into bowls and garnish with parsley.

This will serve 4 moshers, or 2 if you are really hungry from all that Jagermeister.

Sausage Vindaloo

Ladies and moshers I give you another unique dish, created by yours truly, check out the Sausage Vindaloo™
What you will need ~

sausage
vindaloo paste
chili
onion
I show you how below ~



And here is the delicious result ~



Now the Sausage Vindaloo™ is an awesome meal which will be largely ignore by vegetarians and poosies but ignore them, they be nitwits. I have created another brilliant meal which will see you through many alcoholic rounds and a few metal gigs.

Music to eat to ~ Walls Of Jericho, Mary Beats Jane, Over Kill

Tea and a Pastie

Better than a Kit Kat

If you happen to come from West Wales you should be familiar with the saying "a cup of tea and a paaastie!" Its commonly said in a Swansea accent because enjoying tea and pasties during a break from doing something is what the Swansea Jacks like to do. Im not sure if everyone in my part of Wales has heard of this but people I know personally certainly have. (And as its been mentioned in Welsh comedies I know I haven't dreamt the saying up).
Okay this snack wouldn't see you through a Machine Head gig but it is a very satisfying little peck. Be warned though! Not any old pastie will do. For instance having a cuppa with a Cornish pastie would be what we in this corner of Wales would call doing it wrong mun.
It has to be a corned beef pastie usually bought at either Jenkins or Gregg's bakeries. But if you happen to be in Swansea itself then do it properly and grab yourself a bag of four pasties (for £1.50p) from one of the fabulous bakers in the famous indoor market. Davies of Mumbles is a very good choice.
As I am not very sweet toothed and live quite happily without biscuits, this is what I go for on my tea breaks, occasionally straying with a cheese & onion pastie but it never tastes as good with a mug of Glengetti than a corned beef.

Music to eat to ~ Dafydd Iwan, Max Boyce

Gie Her A Haggis!

Battered Haggis with chips

Now before I get buried underneath a wall of anger with folk yelling "those are not real Haggis! Boo! Hiss!" No this dish did not consist of a regular type of Haggis. These were in fact Haggis Bites that I bought from Farmfoods, but it should matter not dear moshers because they are still made with real Haggis and when all is said and done, Haggis is Haggis right?
But what is it exactly? What is this food that the Scots have made so famous? Basically it is the heart, lungs and liver of a sheep, called the sheep's 'pluck' and is minced with oatmeal, suet, onion, salt and spices. If you were to cook it in the way tradition dictates then you would simmer this mixture in the sheep's stomach. (2 ~ 3hrs should do it).
Were you to follow the route of tradition further, you would serve Haggis with 'neeps and tatties' (Scottish for swede, turnips and potatoes). I veered off the route (like I often do) and cooked some chips to go with it. Result? Bloody lovely! Its not unlike black pudding or even sausage and I think most meat eaters would enjoy Haggis if they would only get over the ingredients and traditional cooking method. (I won't mention the 'lovely' stuff used to make chicken nuggets again. Oops I almost did).
I am now a keen lover of this Scottish delicacy and aim to pick a 'proper' Haggis up from the butchers. You'll no doubt hear from this dish agian on these here pages, but next time served with the neeps and tatties.

Music to eat to ~ Alestorm

Ready The Toads!

Toad in the hole with chips

On the luncheon menu today my dear moshers was Toad In The Hole served with chips and a slice of bread (see above photo). One of Britain's traditional meals it is usually served with vegetables and gravy (onion gravy mostly) but I decided to hit the chip pan instead because veggies aren't really that metal apart from fried tomatoes which are totally metal.
Sadly no real toads are involved in the making of the dish (aren't toads meant to be hallucogenic?) and all it consists of is sausages in the batter used for Yorkshire pudding. That all makes for some fantastic stodge, and we just luurve a bit of stodge here! It keeps you going on the Ale long after the lightweights have folded into an alcohol induced slumber.
My only bit of advice when making Toad In The Hole is don't make the batter too thick or it can taste very fatty/lardy. Try to judge the amount by the amount of sausages you're chucking into it. Its quick too, 220 oventemp for 40 mins and you are ready to eat.

Music to eat to ~ Uriah Heep, Magnum, Saxon, Wolfsbane

Tenby's Fab Fish & Chip Shop

Watch the above video to see how Fish & Chips should look like. In Wales? Want to try this meal? Then head on over to Park road in Tenby and you'll find this fantastic Chippy opposite the blue gift shop with giant, inflatable pool toys hanging over its front. (Trust me you can't miss it)!
Now you may be tempted with the other delicious things on offer like their pies or awesome rissoles, but do stick with the cod & chips because Tenby is a seaside town where boats with super fresh fish arrive in the harbour daily so you can be sure of great tasting fish. (You could always add a rissole to your order and take it home for a rissole sandwich).
You can choose to eat in or out and if you decide to eat inside the tables are placed a reasonable distance apart so you don't go banging into peoples elbows like you do in some places I could mention. Good prices too and they have a licence to sell alcohol so major plus on that score.

Music to eat to ~ nothing. If eating out, take your parcel of Fish & Chips to the Esplanade overlooking the sea front and enjoy to the sound of waves crashing below. Watch out for seagulls! Mind you Caldy the Seagull, Twitter's newest hero and official Pembrokeshire spokesbird, is quite friendly.

The Veggies Have Landed

Without the egg, this is safe for vegetarians

Ok readers of this blog should know by now that its author and Metal Chef is a carnivore. I LOVE meat and am fine if it clogs my arteries and puts fat on my ass. Hey everything has a price right? But occasionaly I do wander into the realm of vegetarians (dont worry, I dont stay too long), in order to mix things up a little.
More often than not its a pretty bland affair on offer but persist and you can find some great grub (food). The vegetarian sausages and burger were passable in the meal above, just be sure you have enough egg yolk, beans and sauces to give it an extra zing.
Suprisingly this was pretty filling and could really set you up for a night behind the ale pumps. Not sure its wise to make this platter too often however. You might find yourself joining Greenpeace and drinking nettle tea.

Music to eat to ~ Korn (Quorn ~ geddit?)

Cracking Crackling

Heres some I made earlier

Another lovely snack im almost addicted to is Pork Crackling (Pork Rind in the US). Ignore the tiny packets that supermarkets are fond of selling because these are nothing compared to the real deal crackling you can get from the butcher. Or even better make it yourself! It couldn't be easier if it got up and bunged itself in the oven.
First get yer pork skin/rind from the butchers or supermarket. Morrisons sell two 'rolls' of it for around 70p. Before putting them in the oven, coat the skins with oil then cook for 45~55mins. Be careful when you take them out as the roasting dish will be hot, even with oven gloves!
After they are done, put on some Bolt Thrower and break the Crackling into nice bite sized pieces.

Music to peck to ~ Anthrax

Soup My Dears

Convenient: Soup in a mug

I learnt a cute ditty when I was young. It didn't have a title but it went like this:

*Say it as if you have a lisp*

Whath for thupper mother?
Soup my dear.
Oh bother thoup, im thick of thoup,
its always thoup for supper!

Great isn't it? And thats what I had earlier. Soup. A Japanese Oyster Mushroom soup to be precise, and it was delicious! Tasted a lot like the barbecue sauce you get with pork ribs in Chinese takeaways.
Ignore the fact that homemade 'real' soup is better and more nutritious than packet soups, sometimes there is no time for that, and this one was way more tastier than the usual chicken or tomato cup-a-soups.
If you decide to try the Oyster Mushroom soups then Aldi are selling them right now for 49p for three packets.

Music to slurp to ~ a few singles by Tori Amos

The Poet's Mudball

See the egg? Its not needed.

Right I promised you dear moshers that I would share a snack I created myself (at least ive never come across it elsewhere) and here it is, I call it the Poet's Mudball! And it is flipping lush (lovely) I tell you, LUSH!
So simple too. All you need is a Pot Noodle (think Raman noodles) and a *Scotch Egg.
Create a hole in the breadcrumbed part (as seen above), pull the egg out and eat it whole. It gives you something to chew on while the noodles soak in the soy sauce. Leave the Pot Noodle stand for 5 minutes then fill the Scotch Egg 'casing' with noodles and voila! You have an instant tasty as f**k treat. Chicken & Mushroom flavour Pot Noodles are what work best in a Poet's Mudball, the curry one is too peppery. But hey there are no solid rules here, and if a curry one is more your jug of Jagerbomb then go for it!


How apples should be

* A Scotch Egg is hard-boiled egg coated in a sausage meat mixture then rolled in breadcrumbs and deep fried.

Music to eat to ~ Foo Fighters, System Of A Down, Helmet.

Piggy Trotters

Pig's Trotters are coming back to our dinner tables its been noted. In this current gloomy fiscal climate people are shunning steaks and beef joints for cheaper meaty joints, and the pig is again for the chop. (Sorry Miss Piggy but needs must, im sure Kermit would understand).
The trouble is folk are not really sure how to cook these knuckly delights, and even less certain about what to eat them with. Do they go with chips? Salad? Or how about bunging them in a broth? Well fear not fellow mosher! I just so happen to have a little recipe for ya.


Stuff you'll need:

2 Pig's Trotters (but of course).

4 Large Spuds (potatoes).

1 Large cooking apple

1 Broccoli head.

1 Pint of cider (slurp!)

1 Pint of red wine (double slurp!)

1 Pint of beef stock

1 Teaspoon of Dijon mustard

1 Dessertspoon of sugar

100g Butter

50ml Double cream

Sage leaves


Can feel it righ down to my knucklebones!

How to mix it all up:

First brown off Piggy's trotters in a pan.
Then chuck in the booze (cider & wine), the beef stock & sage leaves.
Bring to the boil then simmer for around three hours. Keep checking on it, it might be ready in two and a half hours. Remove the trotters and reserve the stock.
Peel the spuds (potatoes), chop into half inch cubes. Put them in water. Now peel the apple and get choppy with it before cooking in a pan with a little water. Smear the sugar and Dijon mustard over the trotters and boil the spuds for 20 minutes.

Pour yourself a large alcoholic drink in anticipation of this culinary dream.

Preheat oven at 180c/Gas Mark 4 before oven roasting trotters for 15~20minutes. Bring stock back on to boil then reduce and heat broccoli in water for four minutes. Potch (Welsh slang for 'mash') the spuds with the butter, cream and apple.

Now serve and prepare to be amazed.

Music to eat to ~ Helloween, Alice Cooper, Paradise Lost, Celtic Frost.

Cacen Cymraeg ~ Welshcake

A Welshcake on my table yesterday

Okay fellow moshers, you won't see many sweet things in this blog because im not at all sweet toothed and can live without things like chocolate and candy. But Welshcakes are different; and this is isn't bias because im Welsh (well ok maybe a little), Welshcakes truly do rock! Very simple to make (lots or recipes online to check out) and is the perfect accompaniment to a cup of tea (preferably Glengetti), especially if like me, biscuits aren't your thing. And do be fooled by the size of a Welshcake, I can only manage two in one go and as you will have learnt by reading earlier parts of this blog, I have a huge appetite! Three Big Macs from the Golden Arches? No problem, can finish three in a heartbeat with three large fries. The Welshcake on the other hand, kicks my moshing ass.

Worth a trip to Wales alone

If you ever find yourself in Wales, ignore the packets of Welshcakes that are sold in supermarkets and get thyself to a traditional market (like the one in Carmarthen) where you will find much better made Welshcakes, usually made from a family recipe that has been handed down over many years. These are the best trust me.

Music to eat to ~ Dafydd Iwan, Paer Aeroplanes, Max Boyce, Tom Jones.

The Baker Failed Me

The offending Pork Pie; to the bin Porky

I like Pork Pies when they're well made. Pie makers Melton Mowbray and the lesser known Haigh's, both make cracking Pork Pies that when added to a salad (or simply eaten with a cold pint of beer) it makes a lip smacking treat.
Alas not everyone has the magic Porker touch. Certainly Morrison's supermarket don't, if the Pork Pie I just had is anything to go by. After all the hulabaloo they make in the television ads over having in store bakers, I thought I was on pretty safe snacking ground. How wrong I was! It was very fatty, much more than usual for a pie, and the pastry also tasted of lard. And this is coming from a headbanger who loves things like bacon rind and the fat on steak. I couldn't finish it which is a first for me with pie.

Music to be sick to ~ Pink, Lady GaGa, Katy Perry

Keeping It Simple with Pie

Just add brown sauce

You cant get simpler than Pie and Chips. No chippy in Britain would be without it, and wives have cooked this classic meal for husbands since we first lifted a club. (Of course Woolly Mammoth went into them back then).
I always have a Minced Beef and Onion Pie but theres a fair choice on offer including Steak and Kidney, Chicken, Steak and Ale, even Curry if you fancy it.
Pies are a speciality in my hometowns Fish & Chip shops, and were the perfect food to keep me going that extra mile on a good binge. Its also the only food (apart from fish) that I will put vinegar on, as usually I cant stand vinegar.
Pies are also great in a sandwich (see below), although admittedly im the only one I know who has them this way.


Pie Sarnie

Music to eat to ~ The Almighty, Motorhead, Fear Factory.

A Shout for Farm Eggs

Cheers Mrs Hen

If you happen to live near a farm that sells fresh eggs, then don't delay, go and buy some. Right now! Do it! You will not be disappointed, I guarantee it. They are superior to supermarket eggs in every way; fresh, bright yellow yolk, fluffy whites. Eggs bought at the big stores simply cannot compare to the awesome farm egg. I love to know that part of my breakfast was laid that very morning, probably while I was pouring tea. Shop eggs have more than likely been hanging around the shelves for days. (Weeks in some place).
Do yourselves (and tastebuds) a HUGE favour and stop by your local farm.


Yellow Like the Sun

Mouth Full of Chops

Delicious ~ Pork Doorstops

Pork is one of my favourite meats (especially Belly Pork) and it can be roasted, grilled, fried or chucked on the barbecue. The Chops in the photo were grilled (20 mins on medium heat) and were fantastic! When buying Pork I recommend you ignore supermarkets and head to the butchers for your meat. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with the supermarkets (some do have fine butchers in their store), but I love the personal touch that local butchers have and they know your favourite cuts.
Care must be taken when cooking Pork however. Cook for too long and it becomes much too chewy and all you end up with is tired jawbones. As I say, 20 minutes under a medium grill is perfect. For a little added flavour (and im revealing a cooking secret here) I melt a knob of butter over the Chops a minute before they are ready. Tastes great make no mistake!
I have two favourite Porky meals; with Chips and Egg like above, or with Roast Potatoes. My late mother used to cook Belly Pork with Roasties in the middle of the week and its a tradition that im very happy to keep going. Cheers Mum!

Music to eat to ~ Testamnet, Walls Of Jericho, Dark Angel, Acid Reign.

The Devil's Pudding

Treat Your Arteries to Black Pudding

One would think congealed blood tasted terrible. One would be so very wrong! Black pudding (also called blood pudding and blood sausage) well and truly kicks ass. All it is is a sausage made by cooking blood (after its congealed) with onions, pork fat and oatmeal. Most animals crimson fluid can be used including pig, sheep, cows, goats and ducks. Are you listening PETA? Hehehe.
Black Pudding is usually fried and added to a cooked breakfast, but ive made tasty sandwiches with them and had them with chips (fries). Ive also had White Pudding in Ireland and its basically the same thing, apart from the obvious colour difference.
Looking to stodge up before embarking on an all nighter on the booze? Black Pudding is your food! And some Fish & Chip shops encase the Blutwurst (German for Blood Sausage) in batter which is handy. (Its also a refreshing change from Kebabs). Your arteries will thank you. Probably.
Seriously, this is a wonderful bit of grub. Don't let the congealed blood thing put you off because you eat worse when you tuck into a bucket of chicken nuggets. (And I love them too).

Music to eat to ~ Crowbar, Amon Amarth, Death, Machine Head.

Lake Mustard

Want Mustard With That?

Fish is good for us right? I love fish, especially when they're swimming in Tartare Sauce or Mustard. Like those herring fillets are doing in the photograph. Herring fillets in Mustard Sauce. I'll admit its more of a snack than a meal (unless you have it with a salad) but it does fill you up more than a Pot Noodle would for instance. Tastier too!

Music to eat to ~ Nirvana, Mudhoney, Nickelback .

It Is Legend

Lamb Vindaloo: Me Wanting Water!

The mighty Vindaloo is a dish that needs no introduction (especially here in the UK). Its a hot curry, much hotter than a Madras or a Rogan Josh, and the most popular meats to use in it are lamb, chicken and prawn. The one in the photo above was prepared by Farhim's Indian takeaway in Carmarthen which is a regular weekend haunt of this perma~hungry mosher.
The Lamb Vindaloo is my particular favourite and should be tried by everyone, even vegetarians. Special fried rice or mushroom rice and chips are common accompaniments, with poppadums of course. First time munchers might want a few pints of chilled beer on stand by too. Or cider. With ice, lotsa ice!
Mosh Fact #1: Curry has become a national dish in Britain but Vindaloo dishes are occasionaly omitted from the menu (one has to request it in some places) because they are too hot for all but the hardcore curry fans. There are pussies about. And interestingly (or not) the first time I ever had a Vindaloo was in 2009. True. Indeed my first ever Indian takeway was in 2005 (I had lamb curry) so I have a ton of lost time to make up.

Music to Vindaloo to ~ Obituary, Cannibal Corpse, Naplalm Death, Bolt Thrower,Death.
Vindaloo theme album ~ Show No Mercy by Slayer.

The Burrito of Love

F**king Tasty

First off, I admit that not every dish featured in this blog is homecooked. I don't have the time nor the skill to make everything myself, so I hope you won't be too picky when you read the description of this site in the header above. Peace.
I have never tried a Burrito until today. I have eaten a few Mexican dishes in the past and to be honest I was never that thrilled by them, so I was happy to give the Burrito a miss. Today however I was stuck on what to eat and I found my hand picking up two Chilli Beef Burritos; tomato tortillas filled with chilli beef and topped with cheese sauce and Monterey Jack cheese.
Oh my f**king word, they were/are delicious! And I am now mightily miffed dear mosher, miffed at all those wasted years I have spent ignoring them! Plenty of beef and cheese make two of these burritos a satisfying meal in just themselves. I needed no chips (fries) to go with them. They would be a great snacking food too while knocking back the cider and beer. Interestingly the photo on the box is of the burritos next to a salad but to my mind, putting them next to lettuce would be weird. Its a heavy meal and the greenery would not add anything to it, in my opinion. Anyway forget the shrubbery, all hail the metalness that is the Burrito!

Music to eat them to ~ ZZ Top, Mastodon, Kreator, Crowbar.

Steve's Cheeze Roadkill

Great with Guiness

First off, kindly ignore those poor excuses for bacon rashers. I was trying out a new butchers and he f**ked up and served me streaky instead of back cushion of swine, which is what I usually prefer. This particular meat vendor has since been sentenced to week's sobriety whilst being only able to listen to Katy Perry. He's lucky my bullwhip was in the wash.
Anyway, its easy enough to see what my recent snack has been; bacon with mature cheddar cheese slowly melted on top like a greasy mistress eager for some mouth action. I call this a cheeze roadkill™. The good old fried egg is usually this headbangers first choice in a swine sarnie but I had a lot of cheese left over from a salad (a salad?? Concerned editor) so decided on a change of sandwich.
All you need to do is get some back bacon (its also called a middle cut), grill until crispy then throw some graated cheese over it and melt slowly. Tomato ketchup isn't the best sauce to go with this, so use good old HP brown sauce. You can toast the bread if you prefer but personally I find toasted bread takes away the flavour of the bacon, but hey, each to his own and all of that. Guiness is a grand accompaniment to a plate of cheeze roadkill.

Music to chow down to ~ Motorhead, Circus Of Power, Chrome Division, Black Label Society.

N.B. Cheeze Roadkill™ is registered trademark owned by the author of this here blog. Any attempt to use it without acknowledging the author will result in you being hunted by a shadowy organisation who use boiling fat and kebabs on word magpies.

A Greek Metal Salad

Greek Salad ~ Tasty

'Tis very rare that I decide to go all healthy and choose a salad, but my moshing brethren, a Greek salad is different to other types. In fact this one even fills me up! *Shock* Also it is almost vegetarian. *Falls Over*
Rice, feta cheese, olives, beans and some grassy stuff is all thats needed to whip this dish up and you'll be pleased you did because its extremely tasty. I usually eat it on its own but if you're feeling extra peckish then something like fresh rainbow trout or chicken breast would be good to add to it. Drinkie wise I suggest a white wine or cold cider.
My arteries got a proper shock when at this dish, and so did my taste buds. Im usually a devout salad dodger but this ticks all the boxes.

Music to eat it to ~ System Of A Down, Van Halen and Dio. Rest In Peace Ronnie !!

Aloo Gobi Saag

Aloo Gobi Saag with chicken bites and breaded mushrooms

Righto my fellow moshers, heres an Indian dish called Aloo Gobi Saag that I combined with the more popular chicken nuggets and mushrooms in breadcrumbs. And before anyone decides to inform me that chicken nuggets are made from innards, beaks and azzhole, I know already and I couldn't really care less.
So what exactly is in a Aloo Gobi Saag? Well theres spinach, cabbage, potato, all marinaded in a spicy sauce. And its rather pleasant if you must know. The chicken nuggets weren't that great with it but the breaded mushrooms were a lovely accompaniment and id deffo eat this again, plus its not heavy which means you can fit more beer in!
Not sure who you would listen to whilst scoffing this meal though. Perhaps some Therapy? and early Manic Street Preachers.

Plain Snailing

Escargot. Or snail

I first tried escargot (snails) in France around 1985, when the Rainbow Bar & Grill in Hollywood was alive with the likes of Motley Crue and Guns n' Roses. Bands to drink scotch too. It was love at first bite and I instantly forgot what I was eating. And thats the trick with eating snails (and other types of 'delicacies'), push the ugly, gummy image aside and think 'thousands enjoy this dish, lets at least give it a whirl.'
So what do snails really taste like? Well i'll answer for those with cowardly taste buds. Snails tastle like snails and are about as far away from chicken as can be. In fact they are rather bland and without being drenched in garlic sauce, would a very dull meal indeed. The most accurate description I can give is they are like squid or mussels minus the fishy~ness. Same texture too, although snails are the more chewy.
And how does one go about eating these shelled wonders? Simple, you use cocktail sticks. Pick up the snail, plunge the cocktail stick into the shell and extract that juicy, slimey body (basically a slug on a stick) and bon appetit!
Usually you get around 7 or 8 on your plate (there was 12 in the pack I bought) and admittedly they are not very filling, but the garlic helps out in that department. Snails wouldn't get the average headbanger through a concert but if you're just kicking back at home with a case of beer and a few Napalm Death albums, you could do worse than chow down on yer garden snails.

Bands to eeat snails to ~ Gojira, Municipal Waste, Napalm Death, Lordi, Rammstein.


Nice!

Nuke The Swine!

Nuked!

The above was an experiment I cooked up (or should that be 'nuked up'?) just over an hour ago for lunch. After another busy morning I just felt lazy and decided to gather up my bacon and chips (fries for American readers) and zap them in the microwave. I then did the same with the poached eggs. PING!
But how did it go? And would it get me through a Hatebreed gig?
Well on the plus side, it was all cooked in around six minutes and because no nasty fats wre used (nasty to doctors that is, I love fats), its a very healthy method of cooking. So good news on that front.
But what of the all important taste? Well here is where the downer comes in. The eggs were fine, no problem but the bacon was very bland and chewy. I couldn't even eat the rind which is the part I like the most! Miss Piggy's sacrifice was sadly in vain for this dish and the chips weren't much better. Edible but soggy and pale, nothing like the glory that is chips cooked in a deep fat fryer. Indeed had I not chucked on genourous helpings of salt and brown sauce I wouldn't even have finished it. **shock**
Oh well, I tried, but this meal wouldn't have got me through a few Babychams at a Kylie Minogue gig, nevermind Jagerbombs with Hatebreed.

The Breakfast Ballad

This Breakfast Is Probably an Icon

If you have overdone the bourbon and headbanging the night before, a couple of Boiled Eggs with Toast can sometimes be better than a fry up. (And I never thought Id hear myself say that). Its obviously much lighter on the guts; the ballad to the fry ups thundering drum solo if you will.
But you must cut the toast into 'soldiers' as shown in the photo, this is what millions of British children have gotten used to over the years. And its not simply a tradition, cutting the toasted bread like this makes it easy for the bread to fit into the cracked open egg shell, allowing the hungover mosher to plunge the golden toast into gorgoeus, yellowy, yolky goodness. (Butter and egg yolk are the bomb mixed!)
One thing that has been debated since before Led Zepplin even looked at a stage is how long it takes to boil the perfect egg. Its like the Holy Grail of food. Some say 3 minutes, others say 5, but at the end of the day its up to you whether you prefer runny yolk or solid. Personally I go for messy as hell, meaning 3 minutes are plenty enough for a great egg.

Music to eat this to: Bon Jovi, Van Halen, Poison and Saxon.

P.S. If you would like to purchase one of those funky VW egg cups then they are for sale at Equinox in Tenby.

Oggy, Eggy and Chippy

Who slipped the fried onions in?

First of all, what exactly is an 'Oggy'? Well it has nothing whatsoever to do with Max Boyce's stage intro. Oggy is what I used to call sausages when I was a child. Well I say 'used to', I still do actually. And the above culinary delight that I cooked a few days ago is standard fare in greasyspoons up and down the country. Sausage, egg, chips and fried onion. (Not sure if the onion would be added as this was something I decided to lob in the frying pan at the last minute).
Perfect meal before going and getting Jagerbombed to the sound of thrash metallers Sacred Reich but it is missing something. Bacon! When I was devouring this plate of fried holiness, I was constantly looking under the pile of chips for a rasher of swine, and it did feel less of a meal without it. Another mistake was using one those jumbo sausages they have in chippy's instead of the regular types used in breakfasts. It felt like half fried, half oven baked; a sort of mad cross between eating chip shop grub and a fry up.
Still good stodge mind, setting you up for a good nights headbanging.

Bacon With A Difference

Food To Crash Your Heart Too

That plate of fried goodiness above won't do your arteries any favours but its the perfect remedy after a night on the sauce (the alcoholic kind, not HP). Bacon Grill, sausage, egg, tomato and fried bread. "But what is this Bacon Grill stuff all about?" I hear you ask. Its simply canned pork, which when fried tastes a bit like bacon. Think Spam and you'd be pretty close.
Its not very popular outside the UK, and a lot of Britons don't much like it either, but I friggen' LOVE THE STUFF! Granted its probably one of the unhealthiest food stuffs on the market, considering all that mulched pork rind that goes into it, but since we've recently discovered that supermarkets are passing all kinds of weird fish off as cod, im not too worried.
If you can find a shop that stocks Bacon Grill I highly recommend that you try it fellow moshers. But one warning: its quite filling stuff so go easy on the amount of 'rashers' you chuck in the frying pan.